Jen and the art of motorcycle maintenance
 or “A stirring tale of spanners, oils and memory aids” ......otherwise known as
 
Flip’s tit bits on the Motorcycle Maintenance Course held on 4th and 11thAugust 2007
 

The Cast:
Tim Hobson, on a really nice 1100 Virago
Flip, with my lovely 750 Virago
Judy Perry working on a wonderful 535 Virago
Jen Woods (the Prez) - XVS650 V-Star (not a bad thing, pity it’s not a Virago)
Richard - Honda Goldwing (what can I say?)
Steve Curran - CBR 1000F (letters and numbers – what happened to NAMES?)
Adrian Gallman - Kwaka KLE 500 yeah, yeah, it’s a bike…..
                                                            And the Story in pictures!

And so it begins:
Seven of us turned up on the first afternoon to start learning the basics of motorcycle maintenance with Matt McCrudden, of Total Motorcycle Solutions in Queanbeyan. Matt very kindly handed out notebooks and pens and then proceeded to guide us through the intricacies of Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. Ok, there wasn’t a lot of Zen going on, but there was plenty of fun and a little bit of learning. In the beginning I was somewhat concerned about a few things, safety being the main issue - there was always the risk that I would break a finger nail. I felt a lot better once I remembered that I had a small emery board in my pannier, which I carry around just in case my spark plugs got clogged up (See I do know something about mechanical things!).
 
We all learnt a lot in that first afternoon. One of the first, and most significant things that we girls honed in on, was a particularly good cleaning product called Brakleen. To all you other girls out there - it’s a miracle product, and removes all grease and grunge from all things mechanical and not so mechanical.  I’m going to stock up and have one at home, one in the car, one out in the shed, one at work and probably several in the bathroom - just to be on the safe side. You can never be too clean or too careful, can you? Maybe I’ll pick up some Glen-20 for the lovely 750 Virago while I’m there. Jen took a real shine to it (nice pun if I say so myself) and removed some old AGM stickers, a bit of strange writing on the back of Tim’s second hand mirrors and the lipstick marks on the back of the lovely 750 Virago’s windshield, which are there from where I kiss my bike every day when I start her up.  And yes, that’s the only place you can find lipstick on my bike.
       
We learnt that Richard never gets time to clean his bike/ocean liner. It really was a bit of a mess. Actually, it was a disgrace. Jen set about giving poor Richard a fair bit of stick about the state of his bike, but what she really failed to grasp was that she was even more shamed. She had turned up for a motorcycle maintenance course WITHOUT a bike! Apparently, and this is only hearsay, he son had parked it in. It’s more probable that she hadn’t realised that you need a bike in order to fix it or that it was dirty!!!. All hail the President!
 
Matt was extremely impressed with Judy's home-made windscreen – what a pity she smashed it in the week between course days when she deliberately murdering a poor innocent Galah in a manner reminiscent of the crow scene in Wild Hogs, except that the poor Galah ended up under her armpit, fluttered pathetically for a short while, and then bravely gave up its fight for life. I will be taking a collection at the next meeting for its now fatherless (or motherless) family. 
 

Did you know it's really cold in a tin shed at the back of Queanbeyan in the middle of winter? I was really rather glad I thought to wear my thermals under my track pants, and I also left my lined bike pants on for the afternoon.  We also learnt that mechanics eat large amounts of Arnott's cream biscuits and drink copious amount coffee. It’s no wonder given the temperature in that shed. All that coffee had the expected consequence of course, and it wasn’t long before certain individuals needed to use the facilities. And what can I say; the reading material provided in the singular unisex toilet attached to the back of the next [not Matt’s ] workshop was somewhat educational. I know that Jen particularly enjoyed the article titled "The Annual gift selection for the totally depraved". 
 
The second day of the course the next week came along and Jen actually remembered to bring her bike along. Richard couldn’t make it on the second day as he had a personal family matter to attend to, and he was sorely missed. More importantly I had to find someone new to pick on for the day. I was getting a little tired of the usual suspects (victims) so it turned out to be Tim’s turn, who took my verbal beatings with a smile all day long. What a good sport!
 
Matt gave us a fabulous demonstration on changing the oil filter (personally I didn't know that bikes had one) and I discovered that it's all about the O Ring. One must treat the O Ring with love and respect. The correct lube must be applied in the appropriate place on the oil filter, that being, on the said O ring. I really enjoyed lubing the O Ring and can’t wait to do it again. I think the lovely 750 Virago liked it too.
 
Judy’s 535 Virago needed a couple of new tyres, so instead of taking the bike down to the tyre shop, Matt got Judy to take the wheels off by herself so they could be sent down by express Ute for a quick change. Given Judy's phenomenal upper body strength Matt had to bring out the big Ratchet. You should have seen the look of envy on my face when I saw how big and long it was. Thereafter, Judy spent the morning waiting for new tyres to be put on her wheels and pottered about doing odd jobs on her bike, like attaching a replacement screen fiddling with bark busters, securing her luggage rack for the third time and discussing lack of reserve. Let’s hope this one doesn’t turn into another murder weapon.
 
Another lesson I learnt: it is important to blow the dirt, rather than suck it, when changing a spark plug. I was pretty keen on the sucking method using an old vacuum cleaner, but Matt was most insistent that that I purchase a small air compressor to really blow the dirt out of the moist oily bits where the plugs fit in so that the dirt doesn’t' contaminate the area and go in holes where it isn’t wanted.
 
Jen learnt a new mnemonic* from me. Most people will already know it of course - the "Lefty, loosey - Righty, tighty " ditty. However, Jen was ignorant of that little fact (I have included further details below about mnemonics for your edification). Incidentally, a screw may seem a small insignificant object, but it is in fact a machine - one of the main types of machine used in universal mechanics.
 
Jen spent her time constructively by spending the entire day cleaning, not only her own bike, but everyone else’s. One could be generous and attribute the fact that her bike didn't actually need anything done to it, such as an oil change or new tyres, but personally I would think it's because she didn't want everyone to find out just how incompetent (she says she's "mechanically challenged" but that's just a load of bollocks) she really is. Actually this is not really true, and far be it from me to not tell the truth - Jen did ASSIST me to change a bulb in her speedometer. She skilfully held the cloth in place in case I scratched the tank. What she will also neglect to mention is that she couldn’t remember if there ever was a light in the speedo and had had to guess how fast she was going at night. I ask you, what sort of example is she setting? Anyway, I thank you for your 'help' Jen. I am exaggerating of course; Jen did in fact check her tyre pressure by herself. 
 
Tim didn't do a lot during the morning except schlep around making a nuisance of himself. He came into his own at lunch time however, when Matt dragged out the ancient BBQ which looked like it cooked the last supper. Tim fired it up, got it smoking and proceeded to charcoal everybody's lunch. I really should have paid more attention to the vignettes he was telling me about why his family won't let him cook at home. Lunch break gave us the opportunity to tell tall tales about near and not so near misses in both cars and on our bikes. I was silent during this conversation of course as I'm such a great rider and driver. Jen and Tim seemed to drone of for hours and hours and hours about their mishaps.
 
About half way through the afternoon, when I was expertly changing the oil and the filter in my lovely 750 Virago, Tim suddenly noticed the choke switch located right underneath the indicator switch. Racing over to his own really nice Virago he exclaimed “Ye gads! I have a choke too!” This is a man who has been riding that bike for 5 years and has only just noticed that he has a choke!! I shudder to think what else he has failed to notice, and not just on his very nice Virago!
 
Adrian, was the star pupil of the course and completed a very successful oil change on his bike filter change, checked the air filter, tightened his nuts. Oh and his bolts. In fact he spent hours and hours tightening every single one of his nuts. He confessed later to having some really loose nuts.
 
Steve was pretty quiet for most of the day, but he did give us the opportunity to see a real live engine compression test being done. Of course, his bike was the only one with any faring, so there were quite a lot of cuss words coming from that side of the workshop, and for once it wasn’t me. Did you do anything else Steve? I can’t recall. 
 
Sometime during the day Tim spilt water over Mat's keyboard in an effort to have Jen to not only clean the keyboard, but the bench, trays and every other thing on Matt's work desk. Matt made a note to himself to encourage Tim to stay down the other end of the workshop. And when Tim attempted to ride off into the setting sun at the end of the day, proudly waving as he tried to roar out of the workshop, he stalled the Virago twice and then it puttered out, making a terrible noise. Matt, being the mechanical genius that he is cried out “did you put the cover back on the spark plugs”, to which Tim replied “of course I did”. Just to save Tim getting off his nice Virago, I took a quick look and there, with glaring clarity, was a sparkplug without a cover. That little problem was promptly fixed and Tim took off swearing under his breath all the way home. Onya Tim!
 
It was reasonably obvious by this point that Matt had made a mental note to himself to never invite ANY Ulysses members back to the workshop. Or Carrington Street. Or Queanbeyan. In fact, Matt last seen weeping as I rode off into the sunset, on my lovely 750 Virago, singing “goodbye me little lovelies, and if you’re not back next week, I’ll rip your bloody arms off”………
 
 
 
*A mnemonic is a memory aid. Most mnemonics serve an educational purpose. Mnemonics are usually verbal memory aids, not hearing or walking aids, Jen.